I have never experienced it, neither do I ever pray it happens to me. I have always enjoyed and lived in the presence of my FATHER. I have always pitied people who suffer this illness which for some people they take time to recover from and some do on time.
I thought my spiritual life would be like this forever without any interference or be forever be in the spirit. All of a sudden, I had my own share of this detestable illness which to me looked like a wilderness without end. It was mental torture that looked like it was never going to end.
But I kept pressing, pretending nothing is happening even though deep down I knew everything was wrong. I don’t study the word the way I use to, my prayer life went down drastically, my speaking in tongues wasn’t fluent and was even on the verge of losing it completely. There was a connection in the spirit but I wasn’t sure it was real anymore. The conversation between us wasn’t as it used to be. But then, I knew He was always willing to communicate but my mind was to busy to listen to my own father and friend. No doubt I always want to stay connected but the worries about life wouldn’t allow me.
The illness ate deeper inside of me. I was dying within and there was nobody to talk to. All I knew was, whatever, was happening I wanted it to be over. I knew what my medications were but I couldn’t lay my hands on them because I was covered in the shadows of my own fear.
I was confused about my own salvation. I began another journey of finding who I really was (the search for my identity in Christ). I began to ask myself various questions “where is the fire I carried? What happened to the authority I have in Christ Jesus? The hunger I have for the things of the spirit?. I was clueless, frustrated, confused and at the same time, I knew I needed help. To me, I was treading on the path of (spiritual) death which was my greatest fear.
But then recovery was a whole better and faster than I thought. I acknowledged my faults and wrongs. I began to search my own heart at the same time doing an inner confession. I groaned in the spirit asking God for mercy. Parts of my thoughts were, even psalm 51 couldn’t make up for my sins. I was ashamed of myself, I couldn’t look at my own self in the mirror. Oh!!!!! I felt terrible before my maker, not worthy to go into His presence. Just then, when I was condemning myself, I heard that comforting voice “I NEVER LEFT YOU” and then I replied, “BUT I LEFT YOU, I FORGOT US, I BETRAYED US, I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THE BREAK WE HAD”. I was carried away by activities and wasn’t conscious of when I left. Tears welled up in my eyes ready to roll down my cheeks like a flowing river. I told Him ” But you know I have always loved you”. No doubt I was carried away at some points but then I couldn’t find joy outside Christ. It was all boring without you.
Then I had this innermost peace and joy I couldn’t express and it assured me of His boundless love for me all over again. Then I realize Jesus loves me. No terms and conditions apply.
This article is to reassure us of Christ love for us. No matter how far we are from God, let’s be assured He never left. He is waiting for you to come back. Be assured of His love for you.
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